you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
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