Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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