Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
