So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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