Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
