i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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