i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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