you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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