All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Youre a pretentious asshole and im not sure who you think you are. Get the hell over yourself and the self righteous culture snob image because its pretty obnoxious.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Randomize
