Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
