It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
