i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
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