thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
