yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
