3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Randomize
