he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
