i think my tv is drunk
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Randomize
