you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize