Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
My day in three words: secret purse cake
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Randomize
