he thought i was a dude.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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