God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
