He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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