i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
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