I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
