I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
