i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
