The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
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