tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
