I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Randomize
