just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Randomize
