I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
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