There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Randomize
