I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
