Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
