Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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