How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
