I just pynch a tree in the face
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
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