Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
