i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
