Whod you bang
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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