someone owes me an orgasm
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
