well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I have feelings that need drinking.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
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