My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
