I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
