Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
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