Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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