Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
