I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Randomize
