two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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