Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Randomize
