please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Randomize