Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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