my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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